sarah ayoub, Freelance Writer

First published in Madison, August 2010. Copyright Sarah Ayoub 2010

A spate of vicious crimes committed by children has rung alarm bells about Australia’s increasingly violent media. But, asks SARAH AYOUB, who’s really to blame?

In the playground of a south-western Sydney primary school, five year six boys huddle together defiantly as they watch the rest of the school go about its everyday business. To the rest of the school, they’re a gang not to be messed with, commanding respect and fear from the classroom to the school yard with their tough demeanour and aggressive attitudes. Their teacher Jessica, 24, is used to their behaviour, but even she looks on in horror as another boy walks past and mouths something at them. Seconds later the leader of the gang raises his arm, pistol in hand, and shoots the young boy in the temple.

The pistol, of course, is fake. Another prop in playground fun between bored children on the cusp of adolescence, playing out the scenarios they’ve seen in countless films and television series where crime and violence are seen as the tickets out of poverty. The reaction of their teacher, however, was very real - a reflection of growing adult concern over the influence of violent entertainment on impressionable young Australian minds.

When Underbelly 3: The Golden Mile made its debut to 2.2 million viewers on Australian TV earlier this year, it not only reignited the debate into representations of on-screen violence and its effects on children but it also brought another argument into the mix – the glorification of crime as an enterprise. The Underbelly franchise, which first aired in February 2008, has been one of Channel Nine’s great success stories, documenting the lives of some of Australia’s most notorious gangland criminals. Yet whilst fear and violence are at the core of the first two series’ narratives, giving a very real and murky snapshot of Australian’s criminal underworld, The Golden Mile – which follows the life of Sydney criminal identity John Ibrahim – casts a more glamorous glow on its protagonist and his cohorts, showing the wealth, women and immense privilege that comes with such notoriety.

What’s more, the show had spilled over into real life, with those on whom the characters were supposedly based paraded across the Australian media. The Daily Telegraph couldn’t get enough of the 39 year old Ibrahim, whose rise from disadvantaged western Sydney teenager to wealthy nightclub entrepreneur provide the bulk of The Golden Mile’s storyline. His multiple homes, nightclub ventures, and decadent spending habits (including a live-in hairdresser and round-the-clock bodyguard) have provided as much media intrigue as his business interests.

Such portrayals have dismayed parents, law enforcers and interest groups. The NSW Police Commissioner Andrew Scipione and current Chair of the NSW Law Reform Commission James Wood both expressed concerns that television crime dramas, video games and Hollywood movies were glamorising crime to impressionable young people who might not be able to discern the reel from reality.  

The debate over the effects on children of violence and crime in mass entertainment is nothing new. However, with changing social dynamics - like parents working more and longer hours, less time spent as a family and greater access to negative influences through newer technologies and the ability to socialise with whomever, whenever - they are becoming increasingly relevant. 

According to Dr Wayne Warburton, Lecturer from the Department of Psychology and Deputy Director of the Children and Families Research Centre at Macquarie University, our brain adapt according to the concepts and emotional experiences that it is exposed to.

“Exposure to violent media changes the way our brain is wired”, he explains. “Research shows some well documented changes [including] an increased disposition towards aggressive behaviour and long term increases in fear, in the tendency to interpret others’ behaviours as hostile and in beliefs that aggression is a normal response to conflict”.

This is evident in the attitudes of George a 12 year old boy from one of Sydney’s inner west suburbs who admits that for him and his friends, fighting is often the most trusted method of problem-solving. “Movies and shows with lots of fighting and violence definitely make you more eager to fight”, he says. “It’s good to know how to [fight] because ‘gronks’ and people on the street get into punch ups because they think that they are gangsters like the people on TV”.

While George concedes that his friends’ attitudes most likely came about because of the media they consume ( he cites martial arts film Kickboxer as one of his favourites) he was also adamant that it was a generational issue. Interestingly, experts say that children and adolescents growing up in the late 90’s and early noughties have indeed been a lot more desensitised to violence than their older counterparts. But is TV really to blame?

According to Neilsen media research, by the time the average US child starts elementary school, he or she will have seen 8,000 murders and 100,000 acts of violence on TV. Such statistics seem plausible, especially considering the number of high profile ‘child’ murders we have seen over the last quarter of a decade. Few could forget the chilling murder of British toddler, Jamie Bulger in 1993 abducted and killed by two ten year old boys thought to have been inspired by the low grade horror film Chucky. Or even the death of six year old Tiffany Eunick in Florida who died in 2001 at the hands of her 13 year old neighbour after he performed wrestling moves on her inspired by those he had seen on television. Her death  prompted the US’ most senior public health official at the time, US Surgeon General David Satcher, to release a report linking “exposure to media violence” with increased physical and verbal aggression in children, and ten years later, cases such as Tiffany’s seem to be heading closer to home.

In February 2010, the Brisbane Times reported that Liberal National Party police spokesman Vaughan Johnson demanded tougher vetting of television programming following the stabbing death of 12-year-old Elliott Fletcher at a Brisbane private school; the second private school killing in Brisbane in a fortnight. At the time, Queensland University of Technology Media Lecturer Susan Hetherington spoke about the virtual world that children see becoming so real, to the extent that it rarely differed to the real world.

“The sheer weight of [media violence] desensitizes us”, she told madison. “When you see something over and over, it not longer seems shocking or horrifying. That process of normalising [violence] is problematic”.

Indeed, violence and crime, whether real of portrayed, seems to have become a normal part of our existence. Interestingly, a decade or so ago, real-crime shows like Australia’s Most Wanted focused on bringing criminals to justice, whereas the latest spate of crime documentaries like Gangs of Oz, Beyond the Darklands and Australian Families of Crime seem to bring infamy, something that’s more likely to appeal to our increasingly extroverted You –Tube worshipping youth.

“Just because we can tell something is fictional, it doesn’t mean it cannot affect our thinking and behaviour “, says Warburton, warning that such portrayals are of particular concern to young children and teenagers who are still developing their sense of self.

This is especially relevant to mothers like Brisbane-based Melinda, 30, who works with Collective Shout [an organisation whose aim is to expose companies who sexualise children and objectify women], and faces such issues of violence and objectification, particularly of women, in her daily work. However, even she was surprised to find that her 14 year old son knew everything about Melbourne gangland killer Carl Williams, having looked him up on the internet in the wake of his murder.
 
“He [spoke] of how Williams was really powerful, and how he could walk into any room and command the respect of everyone there, and how he would love to have that kind of power”, she says.“I had to have a long talk to him about how much harm this man did to others and how awful it must be to live in fear of your life”.

Earlier this year, a classmate of Penny’s*, 15, brought a knife to school, threatening to use it to kill another student, with whom she’d had ongoing issues. The girl in question was a big fan of the The Combination, a 2009 Australian film which focused on the relationships between Lebanese Australian and Anglo Australians youths , and which had to be temporarily pulled from cinemas after two violent incidents during the film’s first week of release.

“We were all just hanging out on recess one day, and she was in a fight with three other girls”, Penny remembers. “Then she pulled a pocket knife out of her bag and lunged at the girl, screaming, ‘I’m gonna shank you! I’m gonna shank you’. There was a big group when the fight was happening, but as soon as they saw the knife, they all ran away and some called the police. The teachers were oblivious to what was going on until the cops came to investigate. She ended up getting expelled and we never heard anything about it again”.

Such stories are a concern for parents, who send their kids to school trusting in the fact that they will be safe havens. However, as statistics and case studies show, this is not always the case.

Dr Lance Emerson, CEO of the Australian Research Alliance for Children and Youth, a national non-profit organisation that works to create better futures for Australia’s children and young people, told madison that youth violence is definitely on the increase, citing that the number of young people under 17 who were charged with assault had risen by about 48% since 1997, with the largest increase in violence in that period among young girls aged 10-19.

Despite such statistics, Dr Marc Brennan, Lecturer in Media and Communications at the University of Sydney is keen to point out shows like Underbelly are high productions that use elements of genre to attract viewers, not glamorise violence.

“Criminal behaviour and violence are narratives that translate well”, Brennan says. “When we blame the media we tend to ignore more difficult questions such as the socio-economic problems that often plague young offenders”.

Such socio-economic problems include levels of education, family income and types of employment, location and environmental factors. For those most likely to be affected, the combination of their family life and their local environment might mean they are constantly bored, unaware of resources available to them, or at risk of joining fellow youth of similar backgrounds and in the same location in anti-social behaviour.

As Charlie, 25, a high-school teacher says, “On many occasions, I hear [students] discuss that they’d like to be exactly like those Underbelly characters”, he says. “For most of them, though, it’s cultural, and they don’t really see a way out of it.”

So who is really to blame? Is it too simplistic an argument to suggest that TV alone contributes to the increase in youth aggression? Dr Brennan thinks so, pointing out that the majority of studies conducted on the links between increased aggression and media consumption are done by psychologists, not media researchers, who look for connections rather than investigating why the violence occurs.

“They [studies] suggest that violence didn’t exist before media”, he points out. “We blame the technology as a way of not addressing the bigger questions such as why children seem to think certain behaviours are [acceptable]. Maybe it is [not the media] but our values as a society that we [really] need to revisit.”

Published in Frankie, Issue 35. Copyright Sarah Ayoub 2010

There are so many misconceptions about having a physical disability, and I’m often treated so differently as a result of mine. I was born with Cerebral Palsy, which is a condition that around birth due to lack of oxygen, and I have the type of CP known as Spastic Quadriplegia. All four of my limbs are affected and the link from my brain to the rest of my body does not go through, so I tend to get muscle spasms when using my limbs.

Being in a wheelchair facilitates one of the biggest misconceptions. People often assume that I must be intellectually disabled, so they talk to my carer or the person with me because they assume I won’t understand them or that they won’t understand me. But the best approach is for them to be honest, and come out and ask me if I understand them, or just say they don’t understand what’s wrong so that I can explain what I need.

Our society needs to change the way they look at, and after, disabled people. Disabled people are being separated from the community and put in special houses, day centres and workplaces, but that has to stop. I went to one of those special day centres after school, and it was awful. I had just moved from a small town where everyone knew and helped me, to the big city, where everyone was really guarded. It’s hard enough as it is being disabled – you can’t maintain friendships when you can’t make phone calls without help or just catch up for a movie without making arrangements for a carer, transport, and ringing up to check if the theatre is wheelchair accessible.

People like me should work live and socialise in the same way as anyone else in the community, because we don’t see ourselves as very different from everyone else. We want to have jobs, have boyfriends and girlfriends, and enjoy our hobbies and social activities with everyone, not just other disabled people. We’d rather use the money we raise, and what is provided to us, to make this kind of stuff happen instead of using it to set up special workplaces, houses or day centres just for disabled people, because as my friend Deb Rouget says, that’s just like saying that everyone who wears glasses must live in a special place, do a certain job and go out together.

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Published in CLEO, February 2010. Copyright Sarah Ayoub 2010

Could enrolling in any old self-help course be undermining your health? Sarah Ayoub investigates.

On any other day, the woman standing by the window might have known that Christmas was a time for indulging her inner child. But on this particular day, she indulged hers to the extreme, waltzing into the office of her boss naked and in a ‘psychotic’ dream-like state, speaking to her in a sing-song voice, and then jumping to her death from the window of her Sydney office building.

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Published in Notebook:, February 2010. Copyright Sarah Ayoub 2010

Becoming your own boss takes a lot of hard work, imagination and self-belief – with a good dose of risk thrown in. Five women behind burgeoning businesses share their journeys along a steep lurning curve with Sarah Ayoub.

Cristina Re, 39, launched her stationary brand in 1997 after working as a wedding photographer. Her range now includes over 300 products, sold in stores across Australia, and she recently opened her flagship store and tea house in Collingwood, Victoria.  

“Art and illustration were always my passions. Both my parents understood and believed in my budding creative talent and sent me to art school in Italy at an early age, and later, after studying at Swinburne University of Design, I went on to found my own business immediately after graduation.

Despite not having any business experience, I had a very firm vision of what I wanted to do, and I knew I wanted to be my own boss. With lots of ambition and imagination, and some work experience in design agencies and on wedding shoots behind me, I found it easy to take the leap.

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Published in Yen, Issue 41, 2009. Copyright Sarah Ayoub 2009

Australia’s youth have been described as apolitical and apathetic, but in other countries, it’s the young leading the charge. Is Generation Y really destroying democracy?

The whole world watched as the woman lay dying in the middle of the street. The shot had hit her square in the chest, and within a couple of minutes, blood was pouring rapidly out of her face and mouth.  Death had given her more meaning than her life ever could have – because although a lot of people around the world saw her simply as a casualty in the wrong place at the wrong time, to the youth of Iran, she was Neda: Angel of Freedom.

We are talking about Neda Agha-Soltan, an ordinary 27 year old Iranian woman who was shot in the heart by a Basij soldier as she watched fellow young Iranians march in protest amid claims that their President, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, won the June 12 election through fraud. Through the injustice of her death (even the doctor who attended to her at the scene fled to Britain for fear of government reprisal), Neda had become an icon of political activism in Iran, and a symbol of a new generation of young Iranians who would sacrifice anything to inspire change in their political system.

And Iranian youth have not been the only ones. In the past few years alone, while they were stereotypically branded selfish, lazy, technology-obsessed and unwilling to work hard for their objectives, generation Y has sought out a stronger political presence around the globe. American youth rallied behind celebrities to ‘rock the vote’, then passionately elected Barack Obama to lead them. In Eastern-European Moldova, students are constantly involved in riots and protests demanding freedom from the government controls in their post-soviet states. In Lebanon in 2006, after the assassination of their nationalistic former Prime Minister Rafiq Hariri, young people forced out Syria, which had been occupying their homeland for decades, through a series of constant public protests in what the press dubbed the ‘Cedar Revolution’.

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Published in Girlfriend, September 2009. Copyright Sarah Ayoub 2009

Sacred, traditional and beautiful, the transition from child to woman is a beautiful journey for every female, no matter her cultural and religious background. Four girls tell us how they celebrated their biggest milestone yet…

Turning 18

Marie-Claire Ayoub – Coming of Age as an adult in Australia, aged 18

Marie-Claire says: “I decided to have a party to mark my transition from child to adult in the eyes of the law, and to celebrate with my friends one last time after finishing high school. I was finally allowed to take responsibility for every aspect of my life, vote, and move on to a bigger phase of my life – uni, work and all that goes with it!

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Published in: Cleo, February 2009. Copyright Sarah Ayoub 2009

With various mental, physical and social effects on your health, your job could be harming more than just your sleep-in. Cleo checks out the risks…

Fatal Fit-outs: Despite many reports suggesting otherwise, the Honorary Secretary of the Australasian College of Dermatologists, Stephen Shumack, says there’s no real damage to skin by office lights unless you have a light-sensitive condition, but he warns that open windows near concrete buildings can cause skin damage in summer, because of concrete’s light-reflecting capability, so do wear an SPF indoors. Prevent repetitive strain injuries, which can lead to disability, by checking out the ergonomics of your work station (the science concerned with the ‘fit’ between people and their work) on ergonomenon.com . It offers great tips on adjusting your equipment, taking breaks away from your desk, stretches and correct seating methods. Prefer something tailored to your office? See your office OH&S rep for advice.

The Colleague Challenge: Some are bitchy and conniving, others are loud and distracting, and then there’s the matter of the lazy ones. Christie, 23, thought she left it all behind when she started her new role as an account manager on an advertising team, but it hasn’t been the case working with a colleague who spends time on loud personal calls and then palms her work over to her. But Sally O’Keeffe, Director of CareerGirl and author of CareerGirl – Get the Job You Love!, argues that it is your right to express the need for professionalism and consideration in the workplace. She advises you to calmly but assertively define boundaries with your co-workers. “Respectfully request for excessive chat to be taken elsewhere, say no to those who’d have you do a bit of their job for them without good reason, and stay professional at all times around people who are bitchy. It takes away some of their ammunition!”

The Chained To Your Work Syndrome: Sick of taking it home? For some like Jane*, 28, long hours and impossible workloads are taking their toll on her stress levels, emotions and relationships. O’Keeffe says this needn’t be the case. “Structure your working day so you have a couple of breaks in order to recharge your mind and energy levels” she says. “Plan your week; simplify work processes in order to get more out of them and…work [with colleagues] to get projects done”. If you’re pressured by tasks that are not reflective of your role or salary level, she advises you take it up with HR/relevant management, but approach it with possible solutions to show you care about your firm’s bottom line, but don’t want your performance hindered by jobs that aren’t key responsibilities.

 Dressing to Impress: Looking the part of a high-flying executive could really pay off for you when you’re wooing the boss for that promotion, but when it’s at the expense of blisters and back pain, is it really worth it? Not according to podiatrists who constantly warn of the dangers of heels, including arthritis, shortening of the Achilles tendon, lower back pain, changes in posture, bunions and ingrown toenails, and more. Tight clothing is also just as bad a health culprit, with research showing that it can cause rash and/or itchiness of the vulva, tingling sensations in the thigh area due to heightened nerve sensitivities, and poor circulation around the hips. Our advice: ditch the skinnies and invest in basic work-wear like pencil skirts, man-style pants and dresses that you can jazz up with accessories, and alternate between heel-wearing days. 

Foodie Faults & Function Overload: There’s a stash of chocolate in your desk drawer, you eat take-away regularly, and you never refuse after-work or function drinks. But according to Accredited Practising Dietitian and Director of Food & Nutrition Australia, Sharon Natoli, such indulgent practices can lead to digestive problems, heart problems and high blood pressure. She advises you keep stocks of canned tuna, salmon and legumes at work and combining them with wholegrain crackers or simple salads for lunch. To help you say no to fried finger foods at cocktail functions, Natoli recommends you have a light meal beforehand. “Choose the lighter style foods such as sushi, sashimi, vegetable sticks with dips [and] grilled meats on skewers. Choose low alcohol options such as wine spritzers, half nips of spirits with diet mixers or low alcohol beer”, she says.

Published in Girlfriend, September 2008. Copyright Sarah Ayoub 2008

If you want to discover the world, read on – we’ve gone global and nailed the ways to make it happen – geographical borders optional.

Brave New School: Foreign Exchange

If school’s getting a little bit on the dud side and you can’t wait to see the world, foreign exchange is for you. Run over a year or a semester, it involves travelling to one of many different locations around the world to study – living with a local family and personally experiencing their every day life.

“Cultural exchange allows you to learn a second language, develop a greater understanding about yourself and others, and meet new people”, says Barbara Ratusznik, Marketing and Communications Manager for AFS Intercultural Programs Australia. “And while it can be tough leaving your home at first, you end up becoming more independent and confident having experienced something so great on your own. In fact, most of our participants end up crying because they don’t want to come back home”.

If this sounds like your dream come true, chat to your school about what programs they offer, or visit www.afs.org.au. But make sure you investigate what impact it could have on your education and whether or not you’ll be credited for any study you do overseas.

Fun-funded Holiday: The Gap Year

“When school finished, I was not sure what I wanted to do”, says Olivia, now 25. “So I went to Barcelona, worked as a waitress, and travelled around Europe on my holidays. Not only did I have a fabulous time experiencing a rich part of the globe, but when I got home, everything in my life just fell into place. It’s like I discovered who I was meant to be”.

If school’s out and it’s time to move on, but you’re not exactly sure if Uni, Work or Tafe is for you, why not make like Olivia and go the gap year route? It may involve flitting between jobs and living quite frugally, but at least you’ll also get to flit between countries – making money, gaining new perspectives and learning a whole lot about the world around you (yourself included)!

Passport-free Enlightenment: Programs at home

You don’t need to travel the world to experience it, so if overseas travel is not a viable option but you still want to experience a different kind of life, look into community-run programs that allow you to learn about certain aspects of other cultures from your own backyard. Australia’s renowned for its diverse cultures, and community colleges regularly run cooking, dancing and language classes in their local areas, for very low prices. And with Australia being one of the most popular destinations for overseas students, why not put that spare room to good use and host a foreign student so you can both benefit from the exchange? Either way, the options are endless and entertaining, and you will definitely acquire the skills necessary to take that leap of faith into a destination and experience like no other.

Published in Girlfriend, September 2008. Copyright Sarah Ayoub 2008

If you think all parties are smooth sailing, then you are yet to watch enough O.C and Gossip Girl episodes to prove otherwise. Still, it doesn’t hurt to be prepared, so we’ve tackled the most common party panics so you can chill the night away with limited worry. At least we’re realistic!

The Issue: Gate Crashers

Probably the messiest of all party-woes, uninvited guests bring with them havoc and damage, massive repair bills (we bet your ‘rents wont pay for broken fences) and infamy of the bad kind. But before you think that getting on the news will fast-track your fame factor Corey-style, remember that gate crashing can get uglier than a chastisement on national TV – in Australia and overseas, guests have died from the furore that is a gate-crashed party.

The Remedy: Take the proper precautions beforehand. Notify your local police station of your party intentions, so they’re aware of where you’re at for random check-ups or if things get tough. Get your dad and his mates to act as security at the front, or hire a professional company to do it if it’s a much larger affair. Make sure the entry and exit points of the venue are manned. Stick to a guest list, and don’t send out any electronic invites (email, MySpace and Facebook messages are easily shared). If uninvited guests turn up and don’t leave, call the police to have them removed from the party. They’re breaking and entering. 

The Issue: Drugs & Alcohol

Sure, we’d love it if people observed the underage or it’s illegal rule, but it’s often not the case. You’re bound to get into heaps of trouble if serving alcohol to those underage, but also remember that there are other issues to contend with – such as illicit substances, drink-driving, and spiking.

The Remedy: Smashed, the safe-partying magazine produced by the Mid North Drug Action team, suggests that you “decide who will serve alcohol and monitor the amounts…consumed and levels of intoxication”. It also advises you “discourage BYO alcohol or decide how you will manage amounts brought by guests”. And while you can’t strip search anyone who might have an illegal substance on them, make sure there’s adequate supervision so that even if there’s an inkling of suspicion, you can get onto it right away. Let your parents do the rounds once a while, as they’re more likely to pinpoint those under the influence of suspicious substances, or those whose drinks might have been spiked. Have them help with the sorting out of who’s getting home and how, and don’t EVER hesitate to call the ambulance if someone’s in danger. And lying on the floor is practically close.

 The Issue: Hanky-Panky in the bedroom

In the hustle and bustle that is every party, with people walking in and out of bathrooms, lounge rooms filled with guests and others depositing their presents on the dining room table, it’s easy not to notice the loved-up couples making their way into the bedrooms for a party of their own, which could get ugly when your mum’s putting your little brother to bed, or considering the mess they’re bound to create in there.

The Remedy: “While you can’t force your party guests to behave, you can restrict their abilities to misbehave”, says Yolanda, who has three teenage children who have all celebrated three important birthdays in the past year. “I close all the bedroom doors; have my husband watch everyone who walks in the house carefully and my ten year old is a great tattle tale on suspicious behaviour”. Take a tip from her book and get the gossiping aunty to keep an eye out for any naughty business – we bet there’s one in every family.

The Issue: Violence between guests

This one’s a toughie that’s hard to predict because it happens in the heat of the moment. It could be two girls fighting over a guy or vice versa, or even two testosterone-fuelled guys that clash with one another over some stupid reason.

The Remedy: Usually when these things happen, other guests step in to break it up, but if you see it escalating your best bet is to call for supervising adults or your hired security personnel to try and quell the fighting and perhaps remove the guests from the party (although sometimes they’re likely to take it elsewhere). If however, one of the parties displays or talks about producing a weapon, or makes other threats, it’s probably best to call the police and let the pro’s handle it.

The Issue: Sibling Shame and Party Pooper Parents

Your crush is about to whisper sweet nothings in your ear as you pose for a photograph, but then your little sister joins in on the shot, ignoring your protests and deciding to make a scene until your mum dolls her up in her best party dress and lets her in on the party action. “I was so excited about my birthday”, says Sarah, 19, to whom the scenario above is too familiar considering her sweet sixteenth photos all include a gap-tooth mini-version of her in a frilly dress, “but there were kids all over the place ruining the moment. And to top it off, my dad took supervision mode to the extreme, turning on the lights every ten minutes until my guests got so peeved, they stopped dancing”. 

The remedy: Chat to your parents about your concerns beforehand. Let them know that you’d like the lights off, but that they can sneak a peek here and there by actually coming outside once a while. That said, they’re only worried because they’re supervising kids that aren’t theirs, so it’s not necessarily a trust issue with you as much as it is a responsible parenting one. As to the kids, trying to convince your parents you’d like one night to yourself is your best option, but in case they use the “they love you and want to share in your joy” card, ask for a kiddie table in the garage, so they feel like they’re a part of the party, but they’re still out of the way. If that doesn’t pan out, we’re guessing you’re going to be stuck doing their chores for a week. Here’s hoping your party’s worth it!

Published in Girlfriend, August 2008. Copyright Sarah Ayoub 2008

Everyone’s guilty of messing up at some stage of their lives, but sulking your way out of trouble just won’t cut it if you’re campaigning for the adult treatment. We feel for you, so we’ve compiled the low-down on making things right!

Why fess up? According to University of Sydney Anthropologist (basic translation: person who studies human behaviours and interactions in various cultures) Dr. Stephen Juan, apologising is the essence of being an adult, and the way you do it might be the distinguishing factor between your mature self and your Hi-5 watching, potty-training, and ultra-annoying little sister. Not only is apologising accepting responsibility for wronging another, but it is also both the “admission of a mistake and an invitation to be asked to ‘make good’” – just make sure you read the fine print below before you RSVP.  

Honesty: The best policy Honesty’s a fundamental building block of social relationships, so take care to tell the truth no matter how hard it may seem, otherwise, you might be getting yourself into a little web of lies that is hard to crawl out of (hello, Gossip Girl). As Dr. Juan explains, dishonesty breeds a whole lot of other issues such as mistrust, fear and insecurity, eventually damaging all those involved and really getting in the way of moving on. 

Chat about it Dr. Juan recognises that this aspect could be scary for youth in particular, (some of us might be slightly more prepared to re-enact several scenes from a horror movie than dish the dirt that we dug), but with two sides to every situation, it really defines adult behaviour. “The adult understands all sides, weighs them up against each other and makes a decision based upon what is better or worse”, he says. “The child runs away from this as too hard”. With this in mind, we advise that you discuss the issue calmly and openly, but be assertive if you feel like you’re shouldering the blame for something that could have been a misunderstanding. That said, perhaps refrain from pulling anyone’s hair, stamping your foot in indignation or using the ‘my bestie made me do it’ argument. In our experience, these methods don’t exactly guarantee results.

Getting back into the good books “I lied to my parents about where I was going once, and when they found out, they were furious”, says Cate, 15. “I was freaked out when they were mad, but it did not compare to the weeks of quiet treatment and disappointment afterwards because I had let them down”. Whether you’ve hurt a bestie, cheated on a boyfriend, lied to your parents or disappointed your teachers, the outcome at this point is all the same: a simple apology and acknowledgement of error won’t heal all wounds – you still need to prove that you can be trusted. As Dr. Juan explains, “making amends is a necessary step towards forgiveness and redemption”, and in Cate’s months-of-cleaning and good grades experience, the only way to get back on the responsibility and trust wagon. 

Two wrongs don’t make a right You might have gotten off slightly easy the first time around, but don’t expect you’re your subsequent stuff-ups will go unnoticed. We can’t all be perfect (even church-going Terri lies to her dad in Raise Your Voice), but coming close requires heaps of effort – you have to earn back the trust in yourself and the trust that others place in you. Regrets and mistakes bring with them important life lessons that stay with you as you age: so start accepting responsibility for your actions and learn from your mishaps. After all, that’s what being an adult is all about. Oh and that fabulous ID of course!